I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
