I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
