Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
