I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm really busy with my period
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