Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
