even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
