remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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