dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
