i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
