just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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