This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize