I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
