I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
