the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
