I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
