I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
