You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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