Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
