I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Actions speak louder than pants.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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