I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
