I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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