splinters make it hard to masturbate
Semen is not good for contacts.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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