Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
