im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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