dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize