fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
