You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
