i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
