i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
