if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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