tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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