so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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