I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
