I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
