Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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