she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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