watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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