just tell him i said nine months
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
