I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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