she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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