god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
