I accidentally had phone sex last night
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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