i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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