he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize