it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
