according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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