Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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