The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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