You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
