I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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