Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
