"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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