so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
