I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
