I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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