No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We need to get me chipped asap
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