i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
