True but thats because hes a fetus.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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