guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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